insouciance

i had my dog

Yuuri came to our house on 23 February 2006. He would be 5 next year. Yuuri died last Friday, 19 November 2010. He was 4.

I loved Yuuri a lot. His death left me devastated. I was going to bring him to the vet on Saturday, the day after he died. I was going to get help for him. You see my Yuuri started vomiting on Sunday, 14 November 2010. He couldn’t eat afterwards, and that made him weak and lethargic. I knew he had a disease, I knew he was sick. I told my mother to bring him to the vet, I told her that I would pay her when I get my salary already. I made her promise, I thought she really would bring my Yuuri to the vet. But she didn’t. When I got home that night she told me she brought Yuuri to Pinky, a vet who lives in our neighborhood. Pinky told my mother to keep offering water with sugar to Yuuri. I researched about it on the internet and I found out that it really is necessary to feed your dog with sugar when he/she constantly vomits so that his/her blood sugar levels will stay balanced. I thought that was going to be enough to nurse my Yuuri back to health.

The next day I voiced my worries to Jawfer, my boyfriend. He told me we would bring Yuuri to the vet on Saturday morning, just before he goes to the hospital. You see Jawfer is a nursing student and he does hospital duties as part of his academic requirements. I knew that I could always count on Jawfer, he has such a soft heart and he always lends help to me whenever I need it.

Days passed and Yuuri’s condition did not improve; if anything, it only worsened. I was really getting very worried already. In fact, I was already dreading his death. I was reading The Tommyknockers by Stephen King on Thursday evening, the night before Yuuri died, and there was a chapter there about the main character’s old beagle, Peter. Peter was a very old dog, 12 years old, if I’m not mistaken. That’s 12 x 7 = 85, 85 years old in human years. Very old indeed. I kept crying while reading it because like Anderson, the main character, I was also dreading my good dog’s death. I told my mother that I was really sad and that we really needed to get Yuuri to the vet, but she got mad at me. You see money is a constant problem in our household. We have only have enough money for our basic needs—food, bills, allowances. Vet fee is not included in our budget, that’s why we couldn’t bring Yuuri to the vet.

That night I talked to my two inanimate dogs, Jawfer the dog (a miniature stuffed toy given to my by Jawfer last Chrsitmas) and Windog (a dog figurine which was also given to me by Jawfer). I asked the two of them to guide and guard Yuuri, and to pray for him.

Next morning my mom jested me and told me Yuuri was dead already. I cried. I bawled my eyes out. Then she told me she only said that so I would get up already and prepare for work. I was relieved. Ironically, I did not get mad at my mother. Relief was a far stronger feeling than anger. We went to Yuuri and saw that he moved to a new place—under that long bench my uncle made years ago. You see we freed Yuuri and removed his leash so he could move easily. I patted Yuuri on his head, and his kind brown eyes looked sadly at me. But that incident did not make me sad, it made me hopeful. Yuuri moving would only mean that he’s getting stronger. My mother gave Yuuri alkaline water (water made alkaline by those two Tourmanium stones from Nuga Best). She said he was getting stronger because of that water. Somehow I believed her, and that is saying a lot because I am very skeptical when it comes to things claiming they can heal. That morning, however, I believed my mother. That morning I was hopeful. That morning my dread has gone away and I was at peace.

When my sister and I got home that night, we did our “ritual”, i.e., hugging and petting the pets. Sasha, our female dog, was first to be patted. When i saw my mama I asked her where my Yuuri was. She started to cry and told me my Yuuri was dead.

You know what’s making me so sad? The fact that I really did not exhaust all means, all options to save him. Was there really no money for my Yuuri? Was there really no chance to get money for my Yuuri at all? I should have acted! I should have done something to save him! He did nothing but love me, gave me endless joy and happiness, all he wanted in return is for me to take care of him and I did not! I let him down! I let him down! I let him die. That’s what’s making me so sad, the guilt. I wouldn’t be this sad if I did everything in my power to save him, because then that would mean that it really was his time already. But I am aware that there has been foul play and negligence. I know that it is my fault.

I love Yuuri so much, and I still do love him. I will never, ever forget him.

Sasha was pregnant. She and Yuuri weeks before Yuuri died. The stupid dog ate her puppies. I should be mad, I know, but I love her too much to be mad. I am too sad to be mad.

my motivation

I’ve already said before that I spend four hours on the road. On bad days, it’s five to six. It is tiring, yes. But I still get up early in the morning and try to stay awake while commuting lest I be robbed or miss my stop. You might wonder how I get myself to wake up at 5 every morning despite of having merely 6 hours of sleep. The answer is I am motivated. Although technically speaking I still am not working yet (just training, real work starts after it), I stay motivated by it because I know I’ll reap my reward soon. Also, knowing that I’ll have an excuse to wear my high heels also give me a jolt of energy. Yeah, I know, I’m shallow.

I’ve been dying to wear high heels EVERY SINGLE DAY since 3rd year college, when I’ve completely embraced my love for fashion. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in love with fashion since I was a little girl but only in 3rd year college did I completely understand that I desire nothing less than stellar, fabulous, haute fashion (high heels, labels, anything that veers away from tacky). Call me whatever you like, what’s important is I benefit from my passion, however shallow some people may think it is.

maturity

Life after college is liberating. No more drama issues, no more immature snide remarks. I just love how grown up and smart the people are in my workplace.

happy birthday to me!

Gosh! I am 21!